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The J-Word/Transcript
Davis Quinton: So, the corrupt senator shows up near the end of the movie, the good guy pops out of the trunk, slugs him and says, "That was a recount. You lose." Karen Pelly: So, what's your point? You want to figure out more cool stuff to say when you slug people? Davis: No, my point is there's no way he could've got out of the trunk that fast. Karen: Movies aren't real. We've had this discussion before. Davis: Lock me in the trunk. See how long it takes me to get out. Karen: Really? Davis: If I'm not out in 20 minutes, open 'er up. Lemme out! Lemme out! Lemme out! Ah, ah, how long was that? Davis: It was scary being in that car trunk. Closest thing I can compare it to is being locked in some kind of trunk. Hank Yarbo: Why were you in there again? I mean, besides the obvious reasons. Brent Leroy: What's an obvious reason for being in a car trunk? Ooo, did you rat on the mob? Davis: I was testing a theory. Let me tell you, once inside, time and space had no meaning. Thirty minutes felt like an eternity. Hank: Karen said it was like, ten seconds. Davis: Karen was on the other side of the trunk lid. She wasn't what I call "in country." Brent: You mean, in trunk. Davis: Yeah. Lacey Burrows: Come on, let's share, come on. Ah, isn't this fun? Karen: Compared to...? Lacey: I used to have girl's night back home all the time. Emma Leroy: Would the same people ever come back a second time? Lacey: Now, I noticed that no one is taking advantage of Tilley, our tarot card reader. Tilley: We're doing this? Lacey: Yes, we are all doing this. Now, who wants to go first? Wanda Dollard: How about we go in order of who gives a crap? Lacey: OK. I'll go first. Oscar Leroy: Hey, jackass. Did you hear about Davis? Brent: Oh, about him being locked in a car trunk? Oscar: He got himself locked in the car trunk. Brent: No, I never heard about that. Oscar: Well he did, locked inside the trunk. Ha, ha, ha, ha. What a jackass! Brent: Honestly Dad, you got to give that word a rest. Oscar: What word? Brent: Jackass. Davis is a jackass for getting locked in the trunk. Yesterday, the bread delivery guy was a jackass for wearing a digital watch. And apparently, I'm a jackass just for sitting here. Everybody's a jackass. Oscar: I know. That's why I use the word so often. Tilley: This card is the lovers, meaning you will be married. Lacey: Yes! Not that I need a man to complete me, but yes. Tilley: You've already met him, he's dark haired. And the hermit card means he's not working right now. Karen: Sounds like Hank. Wanda: Mrs. Hank Yarbo. Jackpot! Emma: This tarot stuff is fun. Lacey: It's not Hank. Give me a name. A non-Hank name. Tilley: His name starts with the 18th letter of the alphabet. Wanda: "R." I do thirty crosswords a day. Lacey: Name starts with "R." Well, the possibilities are endless. The world is my oyster. Karen: What's that card mean? Tilley: It means she will never leave Dog River. Lacey: What? Emma: Guess this isn't our last girly night. Brent: How much gas you want? Hank: Ten bucks worth. Hey, Oscar. Can I borrow ten bucks for gas? Oscar: Fat chance. Hank: Come on man, I'm in a bit of a bind here. He's already started pumping. Oscar: You should have thought of that first, jackass. Brent: Lighten up, hammerhead! Oscar: Hammerhead? What's hammerhead? Brent: You, hammerhead. Hank: Ah, Brent, you're going over the $10 mark there. Oscar: Oh, this is your big way at getting back at me for jackass. Brent: Yeah, it's got kind of a nice ring to it doesn't it, hammerhead. Oscar: Aw. Hank: I might have to borrow an extra $10 there, hammerhead. Oscar: Only he calls me hammerhead. Stop calling me hammerhead! Brent: All right, fine. See you later, hammerhead. Hank: I'm not responsible for that tank of gas. Davis: Now I'm not judging your trunkless life but since I've been out, colours are brighter, food tastes better. Karen: You were in there for ten seconds. Davis: You're just jealous. I've come through the other side. Karen: No, you came out the same side you went in seven seconds earlier. Oscar: I left my groceries here. Brent: That's a hammerhead move. Oscar: Stop calling me hammerhead, ya jackass. Brent: Stop calling me jackass, ya hammerhead. Oscar: It's disrespectful. Brent: What do you think jackass is? A tip of the hat? Sorry hammerhead, as long as you keep using the J-word, I'll keep dropping the H-bomb. Oscar: I'm not playing your stupid games. Now, where's my groceries? Brent: Oh, I put those all back on the shelf. Oscar: You jackass. Brent: Hammerhead. I should have thought of this years ago. Davis: So, what's the deal guys? You have a tarot card party and don't invite me? Emma: It was a girl's night. Wanda: We had to drink Cosmos. Davis: Ah, really? I'm tired of girl's night being all frilly, froo-froo crap. Why can't a girl's night have some nards to it? You heard me, nards. Emma: Yeah, we should have another girl's night that isn't so girly. Drink some beer, play some poker... Wanda: Smoke cigars, watch kick-boxing. Emma: Barbeque some steaks. Wanda: Kill the cow with our bare hands. Fine, we'll buy the steaks. But I want beer and kick-boxing. Davis: When should we do this? Emma: It's a girl's night. Davis: Aw, damn. Lacey: Do you know any dark haired, unemployed men whose name starts with "R?" Brent: Yes, OK, my turn. Do you know any blonde haired women whose name starts with "Y?" Lacey: No, this isn't a game. This tarot card reader told me that I was gonna marry someone whose first name started with "R." Brent: Ah, that tarot card stuff is bunkum. Hank: Whose got bunkum? I thought they stopped making that? Brent: Lacey had her tarot card read. Hank: Oh, that's crapola. Brent: It's more bunkum or hooey. Lacey: I don't really believe in that stuff either. Although, I do think there is some merit to astrology. And palm reading. And crystals can be very powerful. Brent: Yeah, you sound like a real skeptic. Hank: My Mom was against all of it. One time, she caught me with a Ouija board and she yelled, "Richard Henry Yarbo, you get rid of that right this instant!" Lacey: Richard? Your first name is Richard? Brent: Hey, yeah, Hank's first name starts with "R." Ooo, Hank's first name starts with an "R." Lacey: Oh no, this can't be happening. Hank: What's up with her? Brent: Well, we were playing a game and she just lost, big time. Lacey: Hmm. Lacey: If your first name is Richard, why do you go by Hank? Hank: It's my middle name. Besides, I hate the name Richard, kids would tease me. Lacey: Oh, they called you Dick. Hank: Why would they do that? Real nice, Lacey. Brent: Isn't that interesting? Hank's name starts with "R." Hank, a dark haired, unemployed man whose name starts with "R." Hank: Yeah, that is kinda interesting. Brent: If you think that's interesting... Lacey: Brent, no. Brent: Um, you're right. You tell it better. Lacey: OK, you know what, fine. It's no big deal. I, I saw a tarot card reader and she told me I was gonna marry a dark haired, unemployed guy whose first name started with an "R." You know, but that could be anybody. Hank: Yeah, it could be anybody. But it's obviously me, woo! Hoo, hoo, ha, ha. Davis: Darkness. Aloneness. Caught without my cell phoneness. Karen: What are you doing? Davis: I'm writing a poem to help me cope. Karen: Has it been two seconds, three seconds maybe. These are the words of Davis the baby. Davis: Until you've spent more than ten seconds in a trunk, you have no right to add a stanza to my poem. Karen: Close the lid. Davis: Had enough? Karen: No. What was that, five seconds? Davis: Once enclosed in the inky... Karen: Shut it. Your mouth and the lid. Davis: OK, big shot. Let's see how long you can take it. Emma: Oh, we're gonna need chips for the poker... Wanda: Ah, and some dip. And cheesies. Emma: I meant poker chips. Sounds like you don't know much about cards. Wanda: And you're an expert. Emma: I played with the guys a couple of weeks ago. Emma: Now, let's play some "Hold them." Yeah, I'm enjoying myself too. Oscar: What game is it that you want to play again? Emma: "Hold them, Texas hold them." Emma: Ha, we had lots of laughs. Hank: Yep, you're pretty lucky, Lacey. You're probably thinking, "How did I score so big? This guy's got a truck with a full tank of gas." Lacey: It's just a stupid tarot card, OK? I have free will. I can make any choice I want. Davis: Yeah, she could marry me. Lacey: No, your name has to start with "R." Davis: Ah, it must be such a relief. No more second guessing, no more decision. No more waiting in restaurants for someone to show up. I'm just saying it would be sad. Lacey: Karen just called from her cell phone. She's stuck in the trunk of the cruiser and she said you'd know what that meant. Davis: Oh, geez! Davis: I was right here the whole time. Oscar: What's the deal on the chocolate bars? Brent: A buck each or two for five. Oscar: Well, that's more expensive. Brent: How do you mean? Oscar: What do you mean, "how do I mean?" That's just stupid. Only a... Brent: Only a what...? Oscar: Oh, I see what you're doing. You think you can make me say "jackass." Brent: Hammerhead. Oscar: I wasn't saying it, I was saying you wanted me to say it! Jackass! Brent: Hammerhead. Lacey: It is such a relief to meet you. Hank: Hey Lace, we're out of pickles. Lacey: What are you doing? Hank: Making my lunch. Lacey: This is my restaurant. Hank: No, our restaurant. You know, 50-50? Which I think is fair, considering you started it. I mean, I'm a reasonable life partner. Lacey: Hmm, yeah, about that. I'd like you to meet Roy. And Roy, what letter does your name start with? Roy: Are you serious? Lacey: "R...R." Hank: Oh, hey, mine too. I'm Hank. Lacey: Do you have a job right now, Roy? Roy: Uh, well, like I was saying, I just finished law school and I'm just waiting to hear back on articling positions. Lacey: So, technically, you're unemployed. Hank: Oh, geez, don't be so hard on him. Hey, don't worry, I used to be unemployed but now it doesn't matter because I hooked up with Lacey. Roy: Congratulations. Lacey: No, hey didn't. Hank: Hey, lunch is on us. Emma: Well, usually Oscar turns this knob, waits too long, then he pushes this button until the thing explodes into flames but not today. Wanda: Oh, Emma, Emma, Emma. Let the old BBQ doctor take a look. Yep, as I suspected, you're out of propane. Emma: I'm impressed. Wanda: You should be. If there's one thing I know, it's BBQs. Brent: You know, most people just disconnect the tank and bring that in, not the whole BBQ. Wanda: I know that, but that can wear out the connect-y clips to the hose nozzle. Just fill it. Brent: Hey, what's the name of that fellow with the farm out by the auction market? Hank: Tom? Brent: No, west of the auction market. Oscar: Jack Fenton. Everybody knows Jack. Brent: That's right, good old Jack. Hey, he's got those trees on his property, what are they? Birch or elm? Hank: Ash. Oscar: He doesn't know his ash from his elms. Brent: That's right, stupid me. Well now, Jack's neighbour is saying that those trees belong to him. Oscar: Well, he's wrong. They're on Jack's property. Brent: So, they're not the neighbour's ashes, they're... Hank: Jack's ashes. Brent: No Hank, he has to say it. Oscar: Is that your big trick? How long did it take you to think up that gem? Brent: Never mind. Oscar: Ah, geez. Hank: I'm confused. Oscar: What's new, jackass. Brent: Hammerhead. Oscar: You made me say jackass. Brent: Hammerhead. Lacey: What do we have to get in the City? Wanda: Cigars and big slabs of red meat. Lacey: Ah, yummy. Hey, guess what? I met a new guy. Wanda: In Dog River? Do I know him? Lacey: Roy. Dark, handsome. Wanda: Roy. Is he a lawyer? Lacey: He will be soon. Wanda: Mr. Perfect sounds an awful lot like Roy Hiscock. Who's married. Lacey: That's my Roy. Wanda: No, he's Mrs. Hiscock's Roy. That why they call her Mrs. Hiscock. Lacey: Well, I'm not giving up. You know, just because a tarot card reader said something doesn't mean it's gonna come true. Wanda: Why are we stopping? We still need to go to the city. Lacey: I'm not doing anything. "Engine failure." OK, what does that mean? Ah, great. I really am never leaving Dog River. Lacey: Why'd you call Hank? Wanda: He's yours now. Might as well use him for something, Mrs. Yarbo. Aren't you glad that we got this reliable truck, hon? Lacey: Glad is not the word. Oscar: What are you doing here? Brent: Just came by to make a sandwich. You want one? Oscar: What's in it? Brent: Turkey, lettuce, Swiss, tomato, mayo. Oscar: Sounds OK. Brent: Yeah, except instead of the squeeze-y bottle of mayo I accidentally used Mom's hand lotion. Boy, I feel like such a...oh, I don't know. What would you call it? Oscar: Moron? Brent: No, it's not really moronic, it's more something that would be done by a... Oscar: Pinhead? Brent: Well, I'm gonna go ahead and eat the sandwich anyway. You know, the lotion will probably just make my insides soft and supple. So, here I go. Oscar: Enjoy. Karen: So, once I install this, if someone gets stuck in the trunk they just pull the button and the lid pops. Davis: Wow, this thing's really got you scared now, hasn't it? Karen: Don't rub it in, OK? I'm sorry, I can't do this. Davis: It's all right. We all can't face our demons head on. Like I do. Karen: You're an inspiration. Davis: Pass me the pliers. Emma: That's the biggest steak I've ever seen. Wanda: No me. I've done one's twice this size on the old 'Q. Emma: 'Q? Wanda: Short for BBQ. Emma: Oh, that's a real time saver. How long do you grill it? Wanda: Hunk of cow like that? Say, probably an hour. Emma: Stand back, Dr. BBQ. Wanda: Wait, it's only been 45 minutes. Emma: This is broken too. Emma: Thanks, Chuck. Those things are even more complicated than the propane tank. Wanda: Which disconnects from the base unit. Just a little tip for you. Lacey: Maybe, if Hank got a job... Karen: Oh, no. You're starting a shame spiral. I think I saw this on Oprah. Lacey: He keeps himself in shape. You know, he's got an all right body. Karen: Lacey, snap out of it! It's Hank! He uses chapstick as deodorant. Lacey: Well, there's worse people. Right? Karen: On death row, maybe. Hank: I don't know what's wrong with the missus. I think she might be depressed. Brent: Depressed? I wouldn't be surprised if she was starting a shame spiral. Hank: Yeah, I don't know what it is. Brent: Well, I bet if you thought long and hard, you could figure it out. Or I could just tell you, save some time. It's this wedding thing. Hank: Is it cost? 'Cause, you know, I'll pay for half. I'll have to owe her, but I... Brent: You guys aren't in love, you're barely in like. Hank: I know, but, hubba-hubba. Brent: Real classy, hammerhead. Hank: I thought your Dad was hammerhead? Brent: What? Did I just call you hammerhead? Hank: Yeah, for no reason. Brent: There's plenty of reasons, hammerhead. Damn it, I can't stop! Emma: Did you get more steaks? Wanda: Salmon steaks, they were out of beef. Emma: Salmon steaks aren't manly. Wanda: They're red, reddish. Off-pink. Hey, I'm not the one in the frilly blouse. Emma: All my stuff's in the laundry, my shirt reeked of smoke. Wanda: The whole place did. I lit some scented candles. Karen: Guys, Lacey's really depressed. We have to do something to help her. Is that lilac? Wanda: Yeah. Oscar: What's going on in here? You doing anything stupid you might want me to see? Brent: You know what? I've been thinking about this whole jackass-hammerhead thing and I want to apologize. I said some things I shouldn't have said, mainly hammerhead. Anyway, I realize now, you can't help yourself. Oscar: Yes, I can. Not using the J-word is as easy as pie. Brent: No, no, you're addicted. I know, I was starting to get hooked on the H-bomb. Oscar: It wasn't that hard to stop, once I found a few replacement words, butthead. Brent: Butthead? That's just kinda childish. Oscar: You heard me, nincompoop. Brent: What are you, one of the Three Stooges now? Oscar: Maybe I am, fish brain. Brent: All right, I'm officially rescinding the moratorium on jackass. Oscar: Don't know what your big words mean, cabbage breath. Brent: OK, now I'm begging ya. Please go back to jackass. Oscar: I'll think about it, barn smell. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Karen: Here's Chuck from the fire department. Wanda: Thanks for doing this. Emma: Thanks again for putting out the BBQ. Karen: She's coming. Lacey: Aw, you guys, look at this! Poached salmon, scented candles. You really had me believing you didn't like girl's night. Karen: And we have a little surprise for you. Just for fun. Introducing, the amazing Chuck. Wanda: He's a palm reader. Lacey: Ah, no offense but I'm really not in the mood for another prediction. Chuck: And then your plane crashes. Lacey: So, I do get to leave Dog River. Chuck: And it catches fire because no one knows how to use the fire extinguisher. Fire safety is important, not enough people take that seriously. Oh, and you die alone, without a husband. Never married. Lacey: Oh, well that is so great. I die in a fiery crash, but no Hank. Wanda: Ha, ha. Chuck's pretty good, huh? Lacey: Chuck is amazing, thank you. Emma: Karen, Davis just called and said he's stuck in the trunk and you'd know what that means. Karen: It means that it's time to play poker! Wanda: Yeah! Karen: Whoo-hoo! Lacey: I just wanted to say, no hard feelings. OK, I got a little wrapped up and took it all too seriously. Hank: Well, um, I guess we both did. You definitely did more than me. Lacey: Mmm. You know, I'm sure you're gonna make a fine husband for someone, who isn't me. Tilley: Come on Hank, let's go. Hank: Oh. Lacey: You're dating the tarot card reader? Hank: Yeah. Tilley: We should get going, we're going to be late. Hank: There you go with the predictions again. Category:Transcripts